So, I went into labor at school...

I rarely blog anymore, but I don't want to forget the details of my son's birth and this seems like a pretty good place to record the details.  If you don't like birth stories, I'd stop reading, but it won't have too many extreme details.

First, I'd like to introduce my son, Joel Alexander, born May 21st at 6:10 a.m.  He weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 19 inches of perfect baby goodness.

On Sunday the 19th, it became obvious that this baby was going to be born fairly soon. I was due on the 26th, but was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it.  Brian and I had a BBQ/baby shower that night and decided that unless I started having really bad contractions that we might as well go.  Sadly, the night came and went and contractions never started.  I woke up the next morning, showered, got dressed...NOTHING.  I decided to go to school since working was actually more relaxing than chasing a 3 year old around the house - plus, I wasn't in labor. There wasn't much point in me staying at home and burning up a sick day.

BUT, around 9:30 am, I started having contractions that were close enough together and painful enough that I decided to time them.  They were about 15 minutes apart, so I sent an email to the school secretary to let her know that I might need someone to cover my last class of the day.  My contractions were far enough apart and didn't really hurt, that I was fairly certain I could make it another few hours at school.  The kids were giving presentations and I was sitting down the whole day.  About 3 minutes after I sent the email, the principal (not an assistant principal - THE principal) and the school nurse showed up at my door.  The principal was really concerned and wanted me to go home immediately.  I wasn't totally sure these contractions wouldn't fizzle out, and there wasn't really any need for me to leave yet. The nurse (who had been a labor and delivery nurse in the past) agreed with me.  I promised that if they contractions got closer together that I would go home.  A few minutes later, I checked my email and the principal pretty much insisted that I leave and the secretary said someone would be coming in to cover my last class.  My students were thrilled that they got out of giving their presentations!  It was pretty exciting to tell them that I was leaving because I was in labor! I had assured them many times that the chances of me going into labor at school were probably slim - but they were sure it would happen - they were sure my water would break during class. Thankfully, that didn't happen!!!  As it turned out, leaving school was probably a good decision. I hadn't really factored in how uncomfortable it would be to drive during contractions.  I had two on the drive home and was glad they were pretty minor pain wise.

When I got home, contractions slowly started to pick up, so I gave the doctor a call, just to give her a heads up that I was in labor.  She had me come into the office to check my progress (her office is about 5 minutes from my house, so it was quite convenient). My appointment was at 2:30 and after she checked me she told me I was 2 cm dilated (I had been a 1 for two weeks, so not much progress had been made).  The dr. agreed that this was probably it, but just to go home and wait until the contractions got closer together before heading to the hospital.   Contractions got more painful and a lot closer together. We decided to head to the hospital around 4:45 because we were afraid if we waited much longer, we would get stuck in rush hour traffic. My labor with Lauren was only 12 hours start to finish, and everyone kept telling me that labor with the 2nd kid usually goes much faster. Well, that was NOT the case for me.

Waiting to go up to labor and delivery...

We got to the hospital, I got into a gown, the nurse checked me, and I was still only 2cm.  The nurse offered to let me walk the halls for an hour to see if I made any progress.  We walked and walked. An hour later... 2cm.  Sigh.  She said I could walk again for another hour.  I really didn't want to leave. My contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and they were painful enough that I couldn't talk through them. I couldn't imagine going home at this point. So, we walked some more.  Got checked again...still 2 cm.  I was ready to cry at this point, but my nurse decided to give my doctor a call.  In that hour, the doctor became my hero. She agreed to come up to the hospital and break my water.

 About an hour and a half later, I was comfortably resting with my epidural and was hoping to get some sleep as it was about 11:00 pm. I might have dozed for a few minutes here and there, but no real sleep ever happened. I was checked several times over the next few hours and was stuck at 5-6 cm for the next 5 hours.  I was fairly disappointed as this labor was NOT going faster than my first, and my dad had to leave for the airport for a 5 day trip to Florida at 8:30 in the morning. I really wanted him to meet Joel before he had to leave!  At 4:30 am, the nurse suggested that I try some pitocin.  I was pretty nervous about doing that.  I didn't want any interventions (other than breaking my water) because I was worried I'd end up with a c-section.  For the next hour, any time I had a contraction, Joel's heart rate dropped. The nurses kept having me switch sides to see if it would help, but it wasn't doing much. Thankfully, after an hour, I started to feel REALLY intense pressure, and I wanted to push - so I called the nurse in and she said it was just about time to do so, and she would call the doctor to get her up to the room.  My epidural was starting to wear off. I could feel all of my contractions, and they were painful.  I was worried about how painful delivery was going to be if I could feel lots of pain from the contractions.  From 5:30 to 5:50ish we waited...and I started to get even more worried about how much this was going to hurt.  I also had an epidural with Lauren, and felt NOTHING.  Once the doctor came in, she checked me and said that it wouldn't take long at all...the baby was really far down.  I pushed my little peanut out in 3 contractions.  He had his cord wrapped once around his neck (which was the cause of the heart decels), but was born after about 10 minutes of pushing.  Surprisingly, pushing and delivery didn't hurt at all, but I felt everything.  It was nice to know when to push this time around!

He was perfect!

We spent the next two days in the hospital getting to know our little man! Meeting him was really emotional for me.  I had longed to hold another baby since February of 2012 and knew that I was only meeting Joel because I'd lost two others. He's just so perfect.

  

My doctor (and Joel's doctor) - who was there for me through both losses with such amazing care, tenderness and understanding. I was really excited to finally get to share a birth experience with her!

 

My BFF, Emily came to the hospital right away and took some pictures for us!

 Lauren's been great with him so far - not too interested, but she's getting better every day! We absolutely couldn't have survived the first few weeks without my parents - especially my mom!  She kept Lauren for an entire week so we could adjust. I'm not sure who had more fun!  She loves my babies so well!

A few more pics...

My dad was able to make it - he had about 30 minutes at the hospital before he had to leave.

First family picture!

Check out all of his hair!

Baby snuggles are the BEST!

Sleeping on Daddy

Going home outfit

We've been home for a month!  Time is FLYING by.  He's gained 2 pounds and 5 ounces already...  He's changing too quickly for me!  Love this boy!!!

Long over due post :)

Well, based on the last post, I am pregnant again!  We are so grateful and so excited.  After losing two babies, I wanted to be sure I was pregnant after I got that first SUPER faint line on September 11... I thought I had 'line eye' but when Brian came home, he confirmed that there was a second line there! I took the digital one the next morning.  It's nice to not have to guess with those things!

Yeah, they are all positive. It made me feel better to see that line get darker every morning. I had a lot of blood work to make sure that my hormone levels were rising correctly.  At 5 weeks, 4 days, we had our first sonogram. All we saw was that the gestational sac was located in my uterus (hooray!) and the yolk sac. So, we went back a week later and got to see our little blob and hear the heartbeat.  I was finally able to breathe my first sigh of relief. I knew the chance of miscarriage was lowered significantly if the heartbeat was detected. We took a starting picture:

Goodness, I was tiny. Honestly, the first few weeks, well, heck, until we had our anatomy scan at 17.5 weeks, I was a little skeptical that this would end well for us. Thankfully, this pregnancy has been very easy. I felt sick from weeks 10-14 and was tired until then as well...but, really, I can't complain.  The pregnancy was feeling different from Lauren's pregnancy. My skin was gorgeous this time around and that would have been the last word I would have used to describe my skin with her. I couldn't eat sweets at all during weeks 10-14. I didn't even want ice cream!  Around 14.5 weeks, I started to feel the baby move, which was an enormous relief. I've been so thankful to feel kicks, jabs and punches every day!

On October 24 (my original due date with the ectopic pregnancy), I shared with my students that I was pregnant. It was fun to redeem a date I had been dreading since March.  They have been SO fun and excited for me along the way!

 After my 14 week appointment, my Dr. allowed us to schedule our anatomy scan. We were able to do it before Christmas, but we told our families that the appointment was just a regular check up. We found out we were having a healthy baby and we found out the gender. We kept it a surprise from them for several days. The Sunday before Christmas, Brian's family and my family were all at our house, so we brought out this box.

Lauren and my mom opened the box to find....

BLUE balloons! We're having a little boy!

They look a little freaky in 3D until they get some meat on their bones. I was just 17.5 weeks along. I really wasn't too shocked it was a boy, and I'm excited we will have one of each!  When we started the sonogram, the sonographer put the wand on my belly, and not 2 second later, I knew what we were having. I asked, "Is that what I think it is?" She responded, "Yep, that's a penis."

There's not really much more to share - pregnancy has been easy and uneventful - other than the fact that I have had 3 colds, an ear infection and strep throat since November.  I can't remember what it feels like to feel good. I'm ready for spring.

Here is my most recent belly shot at 23 weeks taken last Saturday in Lawrence (we were fabric shopping for baby bedding) . My best friend Emily is due 3.5 weeks after me with a little girl!

I guess I should update.

Coming end of May!

Months Later...

I am still waiting for my life to change. I feel as though Brian and I have been in a constant state of waiting for a life changing event since we found out we were pregnant last February. Sadly, our lives haven't changed.  Sure, things are different, but I have been aching for a baby since I found out I wouldn't get to keep our surprise.

We were told to wait 3 months to try again (I lost a lot of blood and was anemic).  After 3 months of trying we got fantastic news! I was really excited, but definitely nervous as I saw two lines on the pregnancy test.  In the months that we were allowed to try, I had spent a lot of time worrying that something was wrong with my body. Knowing that ovarian pregnancies are so rare, I wondered if there would be some sort of lingering issues with cauterizing part of an ovary to make sure all of the pregnancy tissue was removed.  I'd also been having intense ovarian pain each month when I ovulated, so I was ecstatic to know I could get pregnant again.  I was thrilled with the timing - the baby would be due mid-April. I'd have about 6 weeks off work and that would be followed by a few months of summertime.  We were cautious in how we talked about the new pregnancy and baby - almost as if we just couldn't let ourselves fully believe it was going to happen. I was nervous, for sure. A terrible experience is enough to make anyone fearful of what would happen over the next few months of early pregnancy.  But deep down, it just felt awesome. I didn't believe that something would go wrong again. Losing 1 baby is unfair, but losing 2...and losing 2 in a row, just seemed so wrong. But you know what? It happened. We lost another one. A week after we found out, blood work confirmed my suspicions that something wasn't right. 2 in a row...it hurts.

So here we are...months later...still waiting for our lives to change.

Thankful...

There have been so many thoughts swimming in my head lately - things that I've wanted to write about, jot down, things to remember about what I'm feeling and learning.

As I sit here and write this post, I am so thankful that my husband is working on our taxes. I've NEVER done my taxes. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I am thankful that he does such a good job taking care of me and our family.

In church we are going through the book of Colossians. The passage from today was Colossians 3:12-17. Our pastor focused quite a bit on the verses that have to do with thankfulness and gratitude. I need to be thankful. I want to have a heart of gratitude and thankfulness - to look at Jesus and be nothing but grateful for all he has done for me. Be thankful in all situations - if Christ is your life, then gratitude should be your lifestyle.

If I truly examine what my heart feels post pregnancy, I see that I feel entitled. I feel as though I didn't deserve this to happen to me. I feel as though it was unfair that I would have to go through this. I feel that because I am a 'good person' that I should be exempt from these heartaches and trials. I didn't ask for this pregnancy. I DEFINITELY didn't ask for it to be taken away. I didn't ask for the medical bills that followed. I shouldn't have to go through this. Then I think about Jesus. He really didn't deserve what happened to him. He didn't deserve to suffer, to be tortured, to have separation from his father, yet, he did it for me. I am thankful Jesus didn't choose what he deserved, I am thankful that he chose to give me life in him.

Is Christ my life? Is gratitude my lifestyle? HOW am I supposed to be thankful for the pain of losing a child? I'm not sure I'll be able to answer that, but there are things that have resulted, for which I am thankful - things I'm not sure I would have seen or experienced had this not been a part of our story. I saw a community of believers come forward and help. They helped physically with meals, gift cards, cards of encouragement and flowers. Emotionally they checked in to make sure we were surviving. There were so many calls, texts, messages and prayers. I couldn't actually hear words from God's mouth, but He surely used his believers to accomplish His work. There have been deepened friendships and relationships, a more open and vulnerable sense of community in our Bible study. Walking through tough things with others brings you closer. I am thankful for those things.

I am so sad that I do not get to hold this sweet babe in a few months. I am hopeful for heaven. One day, I will get to meet my child, we will have a perfect reunion and I will know all about him/her. I am excited to have all the members of our family together. I am thankful that I have the hope of Heaven, and death on Earth isn't the end of the story. I'm thankful that Jesus loved me enough to take on what I deserved, so that I don't have to.

Medical bills...yikes, but, you know what? Had I been in a country where medical care wasn't excellent, I would have lost my life. I am thankful for good medical care, thankful for a doctor who listened carefully when I knew something just wasn't right, thankful that smart decisions were made and the doctor performing the surgery had skillful hands. We will not lose our home, we will be able to continue to put food on the table, have clothes on our backs. These bills are really just an inconvenience. I'm thankful for the incredibly generous parents who time and time again have shared their treasure with us so that our burden is lighter. I am SO thankful they are a part of our daily lives.

Days and weeks are moving on. Some days are easy, some are very tough. The best I can do is to take one day at a time, and be thankful for the ways I have been so amazingly blessed.



No doubt, this whole thing stinks, don't get me wrong, but I must choose to be grateful. Our pastor challenged us with the following: For every complaint you spout off, or for every request you make of God, give thanks for two things. I do want gratitude, not entitlement to be my lifestyle.

i don't like thinking up titles...

I made it through my first week back to work. After being off for 2+ weeks, adjusting to a 5:15 wake up call is always rough. Usually it just takes a day or two, but after the first week, I am not adjusted. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the night before I started having abdominal pain. I am really really tired. It takes me a long time to fall asleep and when I do, I can't stay asleep. I have night sweats which cause me to wake up often. I'm ready for those to pass and hopeful as my hormone levels continue to even out that my sleeping patterns will return to normal.

Tuesday was the return to Weight Watchers. I was pleasantly surprised to find I'd gained back less than 2 pounds. I'd been eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted for weeks, but it was time to get back on the plan and hit my goal. I've got about ten more pounds to go. I made a new friend. This gal overheard me sharing with another WW friend about why I'd returned to the meetings. She'd also lost a baby. We sat and chatted for about 15 minutes after the meeting was over. The rest of Tuesday was nice. I got to spend the afternoon with Lauren - that always makes my heart happy! Wednesday was good, but I was quite tired. My mom watches Lauren on Wednesdays and I was driving home, exhausted (with 3+ hours to go before bedtime - Brian doesn't get home until after bedtime...so I work a full day and than am a single parent when I get home - kudos to all you single parents!) wondering how I could this with 2 kids! Then I thought back to the last time I drove home from picking up Lauren I was pregnant...and was wondering because it was going to happen soon! It was a 'first' I hadn't been expecting. It caught me off guard and bummed me out for the rest of the evening. Will there be a time when I don't think about this ALL THE TIME?

The next day I found out about 2 pregnant friends, due around the same time as I would have been. I am thrilled for them, no doubt, but hearing about someone else being pregnant simply reminds me that I am no longer expecting a baby.

We finished our week celebrating my cousin's birthday and his son's birthday. It was a great dinner and a fun night with family! My cousin has a great back yard and the kids spent the evening playing outside. It was a gorgeous evening!



The week was full of ups and downs. Hoping this week has more ups than downs.

What do you do?

What do you do? is a question I was asked a lot recently. When I was in the hospital, I met lots of doctors and nurses who asked that question. I am a high school Spanish teacher (sure, I have other jobs I do, but I knew they were asking about my profession). Every time I tell someone that I teach high school, I'm always met with expressions like, "Bless your heart." or "How do you do it...high school? That must be tough." Some days, it is tough. What job isn't? I LOVE high school students. They are the best. This particular year, I have a crop of great ones. I haven't enjoyed going to work as much as I have this year. When I found out I was pregnant, I was SO excited to tell these kids. It's almost April and I've known them since August. We've had lots of time to build relationships - and with some of the kids, this is the 2nd year they've had me as a teacher. I knew they were going to be excited to find out. I was just as excited to tell them as I was to tell some of my friends. When I told my classes a few years ago that I was pregnant with Lauren, it was much earlier in the year. It was really exciting, but I knew this group of kids would be really excited for me. Today was the day I was going to tell them - but today didn't turn out like planned - obviously.

I had my surgery on a Thursday and knew I'd have to miss work Friday since I would still be in the hospital. When I talked to the doctor the day after about how much work I'd miss, she recommended about a week. I only had 3 days the following week, since spring break was starting, so I decided to take the whole week off. I debated on what I should tell my kids. After all, I've only been gone 1 day all year - and that was a personal day for the most awesome 30th birthday surprise. I was going to miss 4 days in a row, and I wasn't up to lesson planning, so the kids were going to get to watch movies every day (also unlike me - I've got in to work super sick to make decent sub plans before). I knew they would be excited about that, but I wasn't sure what I should tell them. In the end, I decided to write them a letter telling them what happened. I included only necessary details, but I wanted them to know that I wasn't some slack-off teacher enjoying an extra few days in her spring break (not that they would think that anyway...).

I wasn't sure what to expect when I went back to school today. I knew it would be tough for me. All of the 'first' things have been tough. You can't help but think, "the last time I did this...I was happily pregnant." While the students knew what had happened, none of them could really understand what I was going through. They were awesome. They asked how I was doing. They told me they were glad I was back. They said they missed me. It was good to be back. My 3rd block class made me a card. Everyone signed it. Kids I had as students last year signed it. I cried. It meant SO much. In between classes a student I've never had (but have talked to on several occasions) stopped by my room to give me a hug and say she was sorry. At the end of the day, one of my students returned to my room with a letter. He told me how sorry I was that I'd lost my child. He said he'd talked to his mom about it and she told him it had happened to her and that the grief is tough. He continued writing many things that were wise - so wise for a 16 year old and so encouraging to my heart. I was so touched he'd taken the time to write something to personal and so caring. My students care a lot. If I can't spend all day with my own precious little one, at least I get to spend days with these gems. They are sweet, caring and kind. I'm blessed to be able to do what I do.

Healing is happening. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. We are moving forward day by day. I don't know what to expect tomorrow and that's OK. Today was a day for the 'good bucket'. I'm a little afraid of tomorrow...tomorrow I go back to Weight Watchers. I haven't been in a month, and I've kinda been eating what I want post surgery. My pants still fit, which is good, but I don't doubt some of those pounds I've worked so hard to lose have crept back on. It's time they're off and I hit my goal. I shall miss jelly bellies, and subway when I want, and pizza twice a week, and stolen bites of Lauren's mac and cheese. I'm nervous because it's the last big 'first'. I'll have to talk to the leader about why I'm back and talk to my meeting buddies about why I'm back. We'll see how it goes, and how much weight I've gained back. :)

What do you write about...

...when you have lots to say but aren't sure how to say it? Or even that you should share it publicly?

I'll start out by simply stating that I am sharing this story for 2 reasons. Number 1 - this is my blog, my space to say what I wish, even though I don't post often. Number 2 - reading others' stories (even if I didn't know the people) helped me to not feel alone while grieving. What am I grieving? I lost my baby. Even typing those words makes me angry. I can feel hot tears stinging the back of my eyes as I look at that sentence on the screen.

One month ago, my husband and I got a big surprise. One morning I woke up and was surprised my period hadn't started. I keep a stash of dollar store tests under my sink so I don't have to freak out all day wondering if I'm pregnant. Why should I wonder when a dollar will calm my excitement/fears/nerves/etc. I took a test. It was negative. Of course it was. There was NO reason for it to be positive. I felt relieved. We weren't planning to have another baby for MONTHS. I went on with my day without even mentioning the test to Brian. Fast forward 2 days...still no period. I scoured under my sink - I was fairly certain that test I'd taken 2 days earlier was the last in my stash, but thankfully, I was wrong. I found one more test and took it. I watched it the whole time and saw the control line appear right away. There was no other line to indicate I was pregnant. I breathed a sigh of relief - again, this wasn't the timing that we'd wanted. I turned on the shower. I returned to the counter to throw the test away...but to my total shock, there was a faint second line showing up. I just stared. I couldn't believe it. I was scared. I was disappointed. I was SO excited. The mixture of emotions was overwhelming, but mostly, I was in complete disbelief. Excitedly, I woke Brian and told him the news. We both didn't really know how to react. I was sad it wasn't as exciting as finding out we were pregnant with Lauren. After all, this baby would be just as loved, but we were totally shocked and it needed to sink in. When I got to work, I quickly told my friend Courtney (the one who'd given me the awesome scarf gift). She was surprised (as she knew the timeline Brian and I had been thinking) but she was excited. She made me more excited. The more people I got to tell, the more excited I got. We really didn't tell many people - just 3 of my friends and our families. I called the doctor, made an appointment, got blood work done, scheduled my first ultrasound (yay!!! couldn't WAIT to see and hear that heartbeat!) and waited. I took this picture.

You may have to click on it to see the signs - but the one on the left was from when I was 6 weeks pregnant with Lauren. The one on the right announced that I'd lost 30 pounds, AND I was having another baby. We'd known about a week at this point. I was now totally excited. I'd just gotten home from my last Weight Watchers meeting for a long time. I was a little disappointed that I was so close to my weight loss goal, but I was also excited to eat a little more freely...to not write down everything, to indulge with treats I hadn't eaten in almost a year. I couldn't wait to wear maternity clothes. I pulled them all out of my tub - most were huge, and I was fairly certain I'd have to buy another maternity wardrobe. I started shopping. That made me more excited! Then, one week after the picture on the right was taken, things changed.

I came home from school around 10 am (I teach part time). I was excited to have an extended morning at home because I wasn't going to Weight Watcher meetings anymore. Lauren and I were getting ready to run some errands when I started having intense abdominal cramps. I went to the bathroom and felt no relief. I spent the next two hours in bed - sure I was losing the baby, praying that all would be OK. I wanted this baby so badly. After a few hours, I felt remarkably better. I was still in pain, but could get out of bed. I wasn't bleeding, so I assumed all was well. My mom spent the afternoon playing with Lauren. I was certain I had the worst gas I'd ever had in my life. I went to bed that night sure I would feel completely better in the morning. I felt really good the next day. I went to work and didn't think much about it. I felt a little more tired than usual that night, but I wasn't worrying much about the pregnancy. After all, I was feeling so much better. I still felt pretty good the next morning, but I wasn't feeling normal. I started to worry again. Surely, if it were gas, it would have passed by now. I went to work, but as soon as my morning class was over, the intense pain returned. I called my doctor, still thinking it was gas, and the nurse I spoke with gave me some options for reducing my pain, but told me not to worry. I spent another few hours in bed. I didn't feel better this time. I called the doctor again, but now, I had 2 new symptoms to add to my intense abdominal pain. I was lightheaded and my right shoulder hurt. Of course, I googled these symptoms and they pointed to an ectopic pregnancy. I started to get scared, but really didn't believe it would be something that would happen to me. I didn't mention what I suspected to the doctor, but upon hearing my symptoms, she told me to go have an ultrasound. I called my mom. She came over to watch Lauren. Brian canceled his afternoon appointments. We left. I was in so.much.pain.

The ultrasound tech couldn't find anything in my uterus. She said it was because we needed to wait for all the water I'd just consumed to move my intestines out of the way. I knew it was because the baby wasn't where it should be. She left the room to give my bladder time to fill. We prayed. About 20 minutes later, I heard that beautiful noise...a heartbeat...but only for a few seconds. I wish I would have asked to hear it longer. It wasn't followed by, "All is well, no need to worry". We waited a few more moments and she said, "I hate to tell you this, but it is ectopic. It doesn't happen very often, but I am so sorry." She handed me a kleenex and told me she was going to call my doctor. She walked out the room. I burst into tears.

A few moments later, I was on the phone, talking to my doctor. She was so kind. She said we needed to head immediately to the emergency room for surgery. What? Surgery? I couldn't go home and pack a bag? See my girl? Make sure she had what she needed? I needed to make sub plans...I assumed I couldn't work the next day. There were so many thoughts running through my head. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was sickening to think that my baby was alive. I heard the beautiful heartbeat. And, in a few short hours, would no longer be part of me. I called my mom. I sobbed. She told me she'd take care of Lauren and everything I needed. I texted my friends who knew I was pregnant. I felt numb.

We walked into the ER. I'd never been to the ER. I thought there'd be all sorts of people in the waiting room, but it was just us and they knew who we were when we walked through the door. I was asked a billion questions. I tried not to cry. I didn't succeed. The nurses were so kind. About 10 minutes later, I was in a hospital gown, in a hospital bed, being hooked up to an IV. And then we waited to meet the surgeon. My doctor (who's a family practice doctor) told me that they could treat this with medicine, but due to how far along I was (6 weeks and 1 day) and that there was a heartbeat, surgery was probably the best option. I didn't know what to think. This wasn't something I'd researched. I didn't know what I really thought. I didn't want to have surgery, but I was in SO MUCH pain and I did want that to be over. We prayed some more. After an hour or so, the surgeon came in to explain the procedure - a laparotomy - they'd make three small incisions in my abdomen and remove 'the pregnancy' that way. I guess 'the pregnancy' is the way you try not to offend anyone - you don't call it a fetus and you don't call it a baby. Anyway, he also told me that there was a chance I'd lose my tube, and that the chances for another ectopic pregnancy were now higher for me. Joy, I thought. I'd really like to do this again. I signed a bunch of paperwork and shortly after I was wheeled into the operating room. I climbed up on the table, and they put me to sleep.

I woke up, and my first question was about my tube. I'd gotten to keep it! A huge praise. I'd gotten to keep it, because the baby had attached to my left ovary. From what I understand, an ovarian ectopic pregnancy is VERY rare. The surgeon who removed 'the pregnancy' couldn't remember having seen another ovarian ectopic pregnancy before. He told me this was excellent news for my fertility. He also told me that I'd lost about 1/3 of my blood...as it had pooled in my abdominal cavity and I was lucky I'd had surgery when I did. They wanted to keep me overnight to make sure I didn't need a blood transfusion. I was wheeled out of the recovery room and finally able to see Brian. My dad was there too. I was so glad. I should have known he'd come, but it still surprised me to see him. I got to my hospital room and after a bit Brian went home and packed some things for us, knowing we'd be spending the night in the hospital. My dad stayed with me - I was glad he was there. He was a good calming influence. I needed my daddy. I love him so much. Brian returned, my dad left and we tried to sleep. I finally was starting to feel better. I slept fitfully for a few hours, about killed the lady who came it at 4:30 to take my blood, dozed a bit more and tried to enjoy cable TV until we checked out of the hospital after lunch.

We came home and it was weird. I was pregnant the last time I'd been in the house. I finally got to see my little girl. It helped. I am SO thankful I have her. SO thankful her pregnancy was uncomplicated. SO thankful she's healthy and happy and a good distraction from the pain I'm feeling.

Two weeks have passed since surgery. Mostly, physically, I'm better. I've still got pregnancy hormones in my body and I'm anemic. Therefore, I'm tired. Emotionally, I've cried every day but one. Sometimes I cry at things that aren't sad. Sometimes I don't cry when I feel like I should. Our friends and my parents have been amazing. Lots of calls, texts, flowers, cards, meals, offers to watch Lauren. I am SO thankful for the community we've been blessed with.

God and I are just starting to talk about this. I know he knows every emotion. I haven't been ready to talk to Him yet. I'm mad. I'm mad for lots of reasons. We had it out last night. It was good. He is the same God he was before I found out about this baby. He's the same God who protected my life in the OR, He's the same God who will be here with me as I start to heal and continue along this journey. I'm still mad. He can take it. That's good. I'm pretty mad. It feels good to be honest with Him about things. I have no control over life. I have no control over death. Death stinks. Living life without God would stink...so I'm glad I've got someone who loves me and ultimately wants what's best for me to guide me through it. I may never know why this is a part of our story. I have to be okay with that. I think the the thing that is the hardest at this point, is that I simply want to know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I don't get to learn anything about this sweet baby. One day I'll get to meet my child and know, but I wish I could have known this one detail.

A blogger friend of mine who experienced a miscarriage last fall posted a link on her blog to this blog entry. Angie Smith's story is much different than mine, but reading the entries about her daughter Audrey have been good for my heart and my dialog with God.

This is most definitely an ongoing healing process. I've yet to go back to church or back to work. Family visiting and Spring Break were well timed. I'm scared to enter 'the real world' again. We will get through it.

Thanks for reading all that. It's long, emotional and a little raw. Hopefully soon there will be fun pictures of my adorable child, but for now, this is heavy on my heart.

The Holidays (and some extras between)

I never blog. I should. I don't keep a journal anymore and I have a feeling that these blog entries will be helpful in remembering what life was like. So, we'll start back with Thanksgiving. I am always given the task of making the pumpkin pie for our large extended family celebration. This year I had a great helper. She's changed so much...

Last year 2010...she didn't do much except for sitting and looking cute...


It hurts my heart to look at pictures of her when she was so small...I miss my little baby so much. I guess it's time to have another...but not quite yet.

This year 2011 - she helped me dump in all the spices!


Plus, I got to give myself "Mom of the Year" award. I let her smell all the spices, but she exhaled when we got to the cinnamon, and ended up with cinnamon all over her face and in her eyes. I'm assuming by her reaction, that cinnamon burns the eyes. Sorry sweet girl.

In between the festivities and eating lots of yummy food, we spent some time eating healthier. She wanted my drink...a yummy green smoothie (the green comes from the spinach - which you can't taste). I loved her little green mustache.


We marked the 1 year anniversary for Brian's new business. The summer went well, winter was not as encouraging and we are still learning day by day to trust God's plan for this venture. We were blown away and amazed by the generosity of my parents and members of our community group (like a Bible study group) during this time in our lives. God has been faithful to provide our needs and allow us to be able to enjoy a few 'fun' things too!

We got a new roof because ours had been damaged by a hail storm in April. We went to the doctor for all three of us about 14 bazillion times. Thankfully, we are all healthy for now!

My 'baby' turned 18 months old and wouldn't let me take a good picture.



She never sits still, is always moving but is SUCH a good little girl. I just love her to pieces.

We went on some walks to check the 'meow' (the mail).


We started watching Sesame Street - which she loves. She can name most of the characters and Big Bird and Elmo are probably her favorites. I love that I can once again cook dinner during 'the witching hour'...the time when sweet children transform into hungry whining beasts. ;)

We had Brian's parents come visit for a week. They hadn't seen her since July! We all went to Christmas Eve service together. Lauren did great - but both she and I were covered in animal cracker crumbs and drool, as she ate her weight in animal crackers. This was the best pic we got of the three of us before we headed out the door.


Brian and I had a fun Christmas Eve putting together her new toys. Brian had one heck of a time drilling holes into Lauren's new play kitchen...since it made it to us without necessary holes to attach the cabinet door and microwave door.

Christmas morning was pretty fun! Lauren didn't quite understand what was going on, but she did know that she got new fun toys! Brian and I got her this tent to store all of her toys that are taking over our living room. I think she liked it!


My parents got her a play kitchen - which I think everyone gave their kiddos this year! My parents have an old one from when I was a kid, and it's one of Lauren's favorite toys. She has had lots of fun with hers!


Opening her new Little People Farm...and spotting the pig - her favorite!


After a morning of feeding the family breakfast at our home, celebrating with Brian's parents and taking a short nap, we headed over to open presents with my parents. Lauren just climbed all over the presents and helped us open ours.


She got a tunnel...and has spent a lot of time crawling back and forth inside this thing! It takes up a ton of space, so I'm glad that it collapses easily!


Brian asked for a hat that covered his ears...and ended up with this! It was a joke, but this was too funny!


I got lots of fun things this year! I'm excited to go shopping and buy some new clothes! My parents totally shocked me and got me a Coach bag...I squealed in delight! I had it on my list, but never imagined it would make it under our tree! I reach into it and love that the bottom isn't covered with smashed goldfish and cheerios. :)

We took a quick trip down to Goessel to celebrate with my mom's side of the family. We opted not to stay the night since Lauren doesn't sleep well in different places. She hasn't been in the car for more than an hour since she was 9 months old. She was a great traveler (the trip was about 3 hours each way)! She didn't take a nap all day and was so happy and well behaved. She exhausted both me and Brian with her energy! We had a really quiet drive home - I think she conked out in the car about 2 minutes into the drive home.

I'm enjoying my break from school! I've read several books (for fun!) and been able to take a few naps here and there. I'm glad I've got about a week left to spend at home now that all of the celebrations have ended and our guests have gone home. Brian snapped this pic one afternoon when Lauren woke up screaming from a nap and didn't want to go back down. She never snuggles or cuddles, but since she was so tired, she sat on my lap for about 45 min and watched Sesame Street. It was great!

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

THE scarf...and Birthday Surprises!

Ok...so there's this scarf... I am in love with this scarf.


Rarely to I find clothing items that I must own. This scarf, however, was perfect. It's made out of light weight jersey material (which feels like a t-shirt) and isn't so thick that I feel like I'm prepared to battle sub-zero temperatures in the name of fashion. Plus, scarves are super cool and in right now - and well, lets face it...with being pregnant 2 years ago and having a hubby quit his job to open his own business, awesome wardrobe pieces haven't happened in a while. Of course, as with most clothing items I find that I like, this scarf belongs to my friend Courtney, and it hadn't been purchased recently. She was nice enough to let me borrow it for "Celebrity Day" for Spirit Week (that's why I've got a bunny in my purse and she has a pink poodle in hers). Every time Courtney wears it, I rave about it. She was nice enough to let me borrow it again for an awesome weekend of birthday surprises!!! See below for more scarf borrowing pictures...

Here are the 3 amigos. We have been friends for a long time.



This picture was taken shortly after the best surprise I have ever been a part of! Emily's (the brunette) 30th birthday was a few weeks ago. Jenny (the blonde) wanted to know if there was a party being planned for Em's bday. If so, she wanted to fly in for the party. The more Jenny and I started talking, the more excited we got - and decided to make it a surprise. I took a Friday off work and picked Jenny up from the airport. We spent the afternoon hanging out before we headed off to Em's to surprise her with a girls night out on the Plaza. We got her parents and hubby in on the surprise, and Em thought she was going to have a date night with her hubby. Needless to say, she was shocked when Jenny and I showed up instead - especially since Jenny had flown from Memphis! We three had a fantastic evening shopping on the Plaza and eating at The.Melting.Pot for dinner. Here's a pic of 'The Scarf Girls'. Thanks Courtney for letting me wear your uber-cool, awesome, best ever scarf!



The next day was Em's actual birthday and surprise party. It was great fun! Em had the added surprise of meeting her new niece that day, too! Here is what we wore...completely unplanned. Sometimes I think we share a brain.




So speaking of birthday surprises...and I'll also mention that my birthday is in May... Courtney walked into my classroom last Thursday carrying a brown paper bag, looked at me with a big grin and said, "Happy early birthday!" I opened the bag and inside was my very own PERFECT scarf! At first I thought she had given me hers, but her mom was able to find one for me! I, of course, wore it the very next day. Here's me in my favorite new accessory!



Courtney gave it to me at the perfect time. I'd spent a long time the night before browsing for a scarf that might be able to come close and had found one that I was going to order! I screamed and jumped up and down when I opened it! It's the best and most perfect gift I've been given in a long time!

Spirit Week Pictures (minus 1 day)

I LOVE spirit week. It is so much fun to dress in crazy clothes. I mostly like not having to dress up for work every day. Spirit week is an excuse to wear jeans every day of the week (or something slightly more tacky). Sure, the kids are crazy, but when there's a good spirit day, roaming the halls is an experience! From what I hear, our administrators are pretty strict with regards to what we can do with spirit week because we don't want to offend a group of people. While I don't want to offend people, I kinda feel like some of the fun gets lost in the vetoes of some of the days. I could go on a longer rant...but this is a public blog, and I'm face.book friends with one of those administrators (Hi Cindy!) and I don't know if she reads my blog...

Anyway - here are the pictures from Spirit Week Fall 2011.

Kindergarten Day -


I really should have put a little more thought into this day. I had NO idea what to wear. When I got to school there were lots of girls wearing their Girl.Scout uniforms. I have mine from 4th grade and I'm pretty sure it still fits me... Oh well. I rocked me some pig tails. And jeans. Yay for the jeans!

Celebrity Day -



I really didn't have much to go with for this day. The kids told me that we could pick a certain celebrity and dress like that person, or pick a character that was famous. I just went with 'random famous person'. I guess this is how celebrities dress...fashionable (but I'm not sure this counts as fashionable). I'm pretty sure Old Navy skinny jeans (which I've NEVER worn in public before - but hooray for getting to wear jeans to work again!) and an Old Navy t-shirt are a little less quality than the attire of most celebrities. But, notice my 'dog' in my bag. We didn't have a stuffed dog, so we had to go with a stuffed bunny. I wore my sunglasses while I taught. That was pretty fun! Pictured in the first picture is one of my partners in crime, Courtney. I'm pretty sure I couldn't survive my job without her! She loaned me the scarf I'm wearing. I didn't want to give it back. Can I have it when you die, Courtney? :) You are 30 now - and since I'm still in my 20s, I'm just going to assume you'll die before me.

80s Workout Day - (THE BEST DAY)



The kids got REALLY into this day. I have a few pictures, but I don't know what the rules are about posting pictures of students and I'm just NOT going to take any risks here. I couldn't have done this day without my mom's help. She loaned me the leggings, the scrunchie, the sweatband and the slouchy socks. I felt like a total nerd bomber, but the kids looked SO much better than I did. Leg warmers are easily purchased at Tar.get these days, along with neon tights, apparently. Even the boys wore tights. Too funny. Pictured above - my partner in crime Courtney, and another gal I couldn't survive without - Kim.

Argyle Day -


I didn't have anything argyle. Thankfully, my friend Mandy let me borrow her sweater. Every year for spirit week I feel sad that I haven't saved every article of clothing I've ever worn. I'm sure I used to own something argyle - not that there's anything wrong with Mandy's sweater...I just feel like it would be nice to have more options. But...jeans!!!!

Friday was class color day. Each grade level wore one of the school colors. Teachers were supposed to wear something school spirit related. I pretty much wear Jag gear every Friday, and didn't have Brian take a picture. I was sad I didn't have my camera at school when I saw my friend Melissa (my other partner in crime) and saw that she and I wore the same t-shirt to school that day. It would have made for an awesome Class Color day pic - oh well.

So, there you go. Spirit week. There will be another one in the spring! I can't wait!

I didn't love the days this year (other than 80s workout) because it was too hard to find stuff to wear! I always vote for pajama day - that's even better than getting to wear jeans to school!