What do you do?

What do you do? is a question I was asked a lot recently. When I was in the hospital, I met lots of doctors and nurses who asked that question. I am a high school Spanish teacher (sure, I have other jobs I do, but I knew they were asking about my profession). Every time I tell someone that I teach high school, I'm always met with expressions like, "Bless your heart." or "How do you do it...high school? That must be tough." Some days, it is tough. What job isn't? I LOVE high school students. They are the best. This particular year, I have a crop of great ones. I haven't enjoyed going to work as much as I have this year. When I found out I was pregnant, I was SO excited to tell these kids. It's almost April and I've known them since August. We've had lots of time to build relationships - and with some of the kids, this is the 2nd year they've had me as a teacher. I knew they were going to be excited to find out. I was just as excited to tell them as I was to tell some of my friends. When I told my classes a few years ago that I was pregnant with Lauren, it was much earlier in the year. It was really exciting, but I knew this group of kids would be really excited for me. Today was the day I was going to tell them - but today didn't turn out like planned - obviously.

I had my surgery on a Thursday and knew I'd have to miss work Friday since I would still be in the hospital. When I talked to the doctor the day after about how much work I'd miss, she recommended about a week. I only had 3 days the following week, since spring break was starting, so I decided to take the whole week off. I debated on what I should tell my kids. After all, I've only been gone 1 day all year - and that was a personal day for the most awesome 30th birthday surprise. I was going to miss 4 days in a row, and I wasn't up to lesson planning, so the kids were going to get to watch movies every day (also unlike me - I've got in to work super sick to make decent sub plans before). I knew they would be excited about that, but I wasn't sure what I should tell them. In the end, I decided to write them a letter telling them what happened. I included only necessary details, but I wanted them to know that I wasn't some slack-off teacher enjoying an extra few days in her spring break (not that they would think that anyway...).

I wasn't sure what to expect when I went back to school today. I knew it would be tough for me. All of the 'first' things have been tough. You can't help but think, "the last time I did this...I was happily pregnant." While the students knew what had happened, none of them could really understand what I was going through. They were awesome. They asked how I was doing. They told me they were glad I was back. They said they missed me. It was good to be back. My 3rd block class made me a card. Everyone signed it. Kids I had as students last year signed it. I cried. It meant SO much. In between classes a student I've never had (but have talked to on several occasions) stopped by my room to give me a hug and say she was sorry. At the end of the day, one of my students returned to my room with a letter. He told me how sorry I was that I'd lost my child. He said he'd talked to his mom about it and she told him it had happened to her and that the grief is tough. He continued writing many things that were wise - so wise for a 16 year old and so encouraging to my heart. I was so touched he'd taken the time to write something to personal and so caring. My students care a lot. If I can't spend all day with my own precious little one, at least I get to spend days with these gems. They are sweet, caring and kind. I'm blessed to be able to do what I do.

Healing is happening. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. We are moving forward day by day. I don't know what to expect tomorrow and that's OK. Today was a day for the 'good bucket'. I'm a little afraid of tomorrow...tomorrow I go back to Weight Watchers. I haven't been in a month, and I've kinda been eating what I want post surgery. My pants still fit, which is good, but I don't doubt some of those pounds I've worked so hard to lose have crept back on. It's time they're off and I hit my goal. I shall miss jelly bellies, and subway when I want, and pizza twice a week, and stolen bites of Lauren's mac and cheese. I'm nervous because it's the last big 'first'. I'll have to talk to the leader about why I'm back and talk to my meeting buddies about why I'm back. We'll see how it goes, and how much weight I've gained back. :)