Months Later...

I am still waiting for my life to change. I feel as though Brian and I have been in a constant state of waiting for a life changing event since we found out we were pregnant last February. Sadly, our lives haven't changed.  Sure, things are different, but I have been aching for a baby since I found out I wouldn't get to keep our surprise.

We were told to wait 3 months to try again (I lost a lot of blood and was anemic).  After 3 months of trying we got fantastic news! I was really excited, but definitely nervous as I saw two lines on the pregnancy test.  In the months that we were allowed to try, I had spent a lot of time worrying that something was wrong with my body. Knowing that ovarian pregnancies are so rare, I wondered if there would be some sort of lingering issues with cauterizing part of an ovary to make sure all of the pregnancy tissue was removed.  I'd also been having intense ovarian pain each month when I ovulated, so I was ecstatic to know I could get pregnant again.  I was thrilled with the timing - the baby would be due mid-April. I'd have about 6 weeks off work and that would be followed by a few months of summertime.  We were cautious in how we talked about the new pregnancy and baby - almost as if we just couldn't let ourselves fully believe it was going to happen. I was nervous, for sure. A terrible experience is enough to make anyone fearful of what would happen over the next few months of early pregnancy.  But deep down, it just felt awesome. I didn't believe that something would go wrong again. Losing 1 baby is unfair, but losing 2...and losing 2 in a row, just seemed so wrong. But you know what? It happened. We lost another one. A week after we found out, blood work confirmed my suspicions that something wasn't right. 2 in a row...it hurts.

So here we are...months later...still waiting for our lives to change.