Thankful...

There have been so many thoughts swimming in my head lately - things that I've wanted to write about, jot down, things to remember about what I'm feeling and learning.

As I sit here and write this post, I am so thankful that my husband is working on our taxes. I've NEVER done my taxes. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I am thankful that he does such a good job taking care of me and our family.

In church we are going through the book of Colossians. The passage from today was Colossians 3:12-17. Our pastor focused quite a bit on the verses that have to do with thankfulness and gratitude. I need to be thankful. I want to have a heart of gratitude and thankfulness - to look at Jesus and be nothing but grateful for all he has done for me. Be thankful in all situations - if Christ is your life, then gratitude should be your lifestyle.

If I truly examine what my heart feels post pregnancy, I see that I feel entitled. I feel as though I didn't deserve this to happen to me. I feel as though it was unfair that I would have to go through this. I feel that because I am a 'good person' that I should be exempt from these heartaches and trials. I didn't ask for this pregnancy. I DEFINITELY didn't ask for it to be taken away. I didn't ask for the medical bills that followed. I shouldn't have to go through this. Then I think about Jesus. He really didn't deserve what happened to him. He didn't deserve to suffer, to be tortured, to have separation from his father, yet, he did it for me. I am thankful Jesus didn't choose what he deserved, I am thankful that he chose to give me life in him.

Is Christ my life? Is gratitude my lifestyle? HOW am I supposed to be thankful for the pain of losing a child? I'm not sure I'll be able to answer that, but there are things that have resulted, for which I am thankful - things I'm not sure I would have seen or experienced had this not been a part of our story. I saw a community of believers come forward and help. They helped physically with meals, gift cards, cards of encouragement and flowers. Emotionally they checked in to make sure we were surviving. There were so many calls, texts, messages and prayers. I couldn't actually hear words from God's mouth, but He surely used his believers to accomplish His work. There have been deepened friendships and relationships, a more open and vulnerable sense of community in our Bible study. Walking through tough things with others brings you closer. I am thankful for those things.

I am so sad that I do not get to hold this sweet babe in a few months. I am hopeful for heaven. One day, I will get to meet my child, we will have a perfect reunion and I will know all about him/her. I am excited to have all the members of our family together. I am thankful that I have the hope of Heaven, and death on Earth isn't the end of the story. I'm thankful that Jesus loved me enough to take on what I deserved, so that I don't have to.

Medical bills...yikes, but, you know what? Had I been in a country where medical care wasn't excellent, I would have lost my life. I am thankful for good medical care, thankful for a doctor who listened carefully when I knew something just wasn't right, thankful that smart decisions were made and the doctor performing the surgery had skillful hands. We will not lose our home, we will be able to continue to put food on the table, have clothes on our backs. These bills are really just an inconvenience. I'm thankful for the incredibly generous parents who time and time again have shared their treasure with us so that our burden is lighter. I am SO thankful they are a part of our daily lives.

Days and weeks are moving on. Some days are easy, some are very tough. The best I can do is to take one day at a time, and be thankful for the ways I have been so amazingly blessed.



No doubt, this whole thing stinks, don't get me wrong, but I must choose to be grateful. Our pastor challenged us with the following: For every complaint you spout off, or for every request you make of God, give thanks for two things. I do want gratitude, not entitlement to be my lifestyle.